God Dammit Woody Paige. THIS is the reason why sports blogs have to exist.

Former Cold Pizza lunatic Woody Paige has penned a rather befuddling piece in the Denver Post on the arrival of David Beckham. We bring it to you now in classic FJM/YCS/TPP bold/not bold fashion.

Spend it for Beckham.
Soccer.
Don't turn the page - yet.
Way to start off the piece, Woody, by telling people that they're probably wanting to read something else.

Major League Soccer announced Thursday that its annual all-star game will be played on July 19 in Denver - well, Commerce City - at the brand-spanking-new Dick's Sporting Goods Park. (I haven't figured out a snappy, short name for the stadium, and you don't want to go where you're thinking.)
This attempt at rising above juvenile toilet-humor brought to you by a man who prefers to be called "Woody."

Denver apparently beat out New York for a major event, as usual.
Yea, I'm pretty sure that no one was talking about holding the event on the Fieldturf at Giants Stadium, and Red Bull Park is currently a construction site in Harrison, NJ and won't be open untill next season.

Don't turn on Paige - yet.
Again, you think we shouldn't be listening to you. Someone's got a guilty conscience. With the number of puns you're dropping ("Turn on Paige?") maybe you're right.

The MLS all-stars will play Celtic FC, the greatest team from Scotland.
Still not excited?
David Beckham could be making his MLS debut and playing his first game in Denver/Commerce City.
Now I've got your attention.

Actually, I was excited when you mentioned Celtic. C'Mon the Hoops!!!

David Beckham is to soccer fans what the Spice Girls once were to my daughter and many other daughters.

Yea, they both hit their peak around 1997-1999.

By the way, Beckham is married to the former Posh Spice, Victoria Adams Beckham

Thanks for the news flash, Woody.

When Beckham, once the face of soccer, and his wife, known for her body of work in rock 'n' roll, married in 1999, they were treated as British royalty, especially when they moved into a mansion dubbed "Beckingham Palace."

"Known for her body of work in Rock 'n' roll? Are we talking about the same Victoria Beckham?

You don't know the Colorado Rapids' co-leading goal scorer last season, Kyle "Bend It, He Hopes, Like Beckham" Beckerman, but you have heard of David Beckham, who had a movie and hundreds of babies named in his honor.

Easy there, Berman.

So you definitely want to spend it for Beckham if he plays in the all-star game. He is scheduled to be released from his Real Madrid contract on or before July 1, and he is expected to play at Dick's Sporting Goods Park (isn't that better than Pepsi Center or Invesco Field at Mile High?) because an MLS deputy commissioner said Thursday that his boss gets to make two picks for the all-star team. Do you seriously believe Don Garber would overlook Beckham for, say, Ugo Ihemelu?

Something actually resembling solid reporting. Also, Ugo Ihemelu is a beast, and will probably make the All-Star team in his own right. Maybe Woody's turned the corner here and we're going to have a thought-provoking article.

How about a halftime concert featuring Posh Spice and Vanilla Ice backed by the cast of "Miami Vice"?

Nope. I was wrong.

Many (thousands of) people scoffed when Los Angeles Galaxy owner (and Denver's own) Phil Anschutz and Galaxy president (and former Nuggets president) Tim Leiweke lured Beckham (who has no connection to Denver) to UnReal L.A. for $250 million over five years. Beckham basically was kicked away from English soccer and since has been benched in Madrid.

That's a bit of an oversimplification of his contract. Many others also said it was the best move MLS has ever made.

Beckham will sell out every home game and every road game and every game on the Galaxy's trip to the Far East, and his jersey and other merchandise will make a ton of cash, and he will be bigger in movies than "King Kong" and "Godzilla" combined - "The Midfielder, The Goalkeeper and Beckham's Wardrobe"?

God dammit, Woody, please stop talking.

And Beckham will give MLS the credibility it never has received, particularly for older American men (me) who haven't given a solid whit about soccer.

Not bloody likely. Most of Beckham's fans are younger and people like you only know about him from your kids and younger colleagues. You probably still think soccer's not a real sport because they don't use their hands or because it has foreigners in it.

He (Phil Anschutz) has owned four professional soccer teams in the U.S. (including the Rapids for several years) and three in Europe.

Actually, it was six, technically 7 in the US (LA Galaxy, Chicago Fire, MetroStars, DC United, Colorado Rapids, San Jose Earthquakes/Houston Dynamo)

As Anschutz said to me in at least six exclusive interviews: "No comment."

Hilarity.

Admit it. You already are considering the purchase of tickets for the All-Star Game. We could become soccer aficionados, but we must not become soccer hooligans.

Thank you for this stern warning from a wisened old man who has clearly seen what devastating effects soccer hooliganism had at Heysel in the 1989 European Cup Final, that sparked a war in the former Yugoslavia, that fires ethnic tensions in Scotland, and that ravaged the English game throughout the 1980s. It is especially meaningful coming from a man who a few paragraphs ago said that he didn't give a whit (?) about soccer before this.

You may turn the page and turn off the Paige now.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!